Over the past few months, as previously mentioned, I've felt my once strong idealism and optimism, dissipate and slowly, unfortunately transform into bitter cynicism and pessimism. It's taken me a while to recognize the negative effects that this has had on me, my interactions with others and my work ethic. The more I've realized how unhealthy my recent pessimistic attitude has become, the more I've tried to make small changes, talk to people, and read, in hopes of finding some sort of new inspiration or reclaiming my lost idealism. I feel as though I've made some small progress and it has certainly helped having people like Chris Turnbull-Grimes, my good friend who is serving as a Peace Corps volunteer in Kenya, and Travis Hellstrom, who is starting his third year in Peace Corps Mongolia, as a Peace Corps volunteer leader, to share my frustrations and thoughts with. Hanna understands where I'm coming from and I know that she shares a lot of similar feelings and frustrations and needless to say, we are both looking forward to doing some traveling in the next few weeks, enjoying life as tourists for a little bit, instead of as volunteers or teachers. I just finished reading a book by Tracy Kidder called "Mountains Beyond Mountains: The Quest of Paul Farmer, A Man Who Would Cure The World', which came highly recommended from both Hanna and CTG. The book reminded me very much of "Three Cups of Tea", by Greg Mortensen, another book I read a while back, when I was still in training as a Peace Corps volunteer that inspired and motivated me. It's inspiring in so many ways to read about people like Greg Mortensen or Paul Farmer, who have done so much good in some of the most challenged places in the world but it can also be discouraging. It's hard not to look at the work of men like them and question your own actions, your own abilities, your own contributions. I do my best to not have many regrets but I sometimes wonder if I could have done more with my time in Mongolia, more with my time here in Cambodia, if I was just harder working, more patient, more motivated.
I try not to spend too much time dwelling on these thoughts because I know they will only discourage or depress me further. I do my best to focus on the present, the not too distant future, and the long term. I know now that a career in development and education is not something I'm interested in but I also know that I will continue to live a life of service, in one way or another. I know that even though I won't end up as a teacher or development worker, I am not opposed to the idea of volunteering my time, donating to charities and causes I feel strongly about, fund raising for important causes, and doing my best to contribute positively and responsibly, to whatever community I live in.
Today I spent some time talking to my friend Travis about the differences between people who try to make a difference and live a life of responsible service and those who just kinda go through the motions and seem to worry more about missing their favorite tv show or the latest iphone application, then doing anything to help their fellow human beings or contribute in any meaningful way to their community. Travis mentioned talking to people about the latest movie they saw (8-10 bucks for tickets, 6-7 bucks for popcorn, 3-4 bucks for a huge coke) and how uncomfortable and awkward most people get when seriously asked to donate money to a good cause, even if it's only five, ten of fifteen bucks. This of course sounded very familiar to me as I've spent the past month or so trying to raise funds to help my friend Agii's sister Aiman and their family, who are going through a medical crisis, one that could easily bankrupt a middle class American family, let alone a family living in western Mongolia. People are often quick to raise their hands or pledge support in helping out for a good cause but when it comes time to open their wallet or donate their time, it's proven again that talk is cheap. People seem to be much more inclined to donate money than time, which is ok I suppose, as long as the money goes to the right people/places/causes. Unfortunately, people are less likely to contribute money unless they know they will get a tax break or something else out of it. As Travis pointed out, 'that's not a gift, that's an exchange'.
I'm not accusing anyone in particular or pointing any fingers nor am I(in my opinion) being a hypocrite. I don't like admitting my own faults, my indifference and laziness at times, my hesitations but I do it, I try to do it as often as possible. I'm so far from a saint and I have made huge mistakes, hurt people, ignored problems pretending they aren't my own, and worried about things that many would call unimportant or trivial. As Hanna has said many times in the past "I am my biggest critic". Ok..getting off topic. More on this later possibly.
Living overseas, not necessarily in the worst conditions but certainly in less splendid conditions than I lived in the United States, has opened my eyes to the unnecessary excess of the American consumer culture and the misplaced or selfish priorities of people not just in the U.S.A., but all around the world. In some ways I understand it, I understand that (depending on what you believe I guess) we only have one life to live, we can't spend all our time helping others or forgoing things we enjoy or giving up our money to charity. It's perfectly normal to want to have things we enjoy. I'd be lying if I said that in the months leading up to my return to America, I've spent many hours daydreaming about all the foods I miss, what type of smart phone I might buy, what kind of car I want(if I ever get a job), among other things. I'm the first one to tell my friends and family that it's important to do what makes you happy, to take time to indulge and relax when stressed out, to pursue a career in something you will not enjoy, to not give up on long term goals and dreams. I firmly believe that in order to live a life as happy and stress free as possible, we have to occasionally indulge ourselves, eat things we like, partake in activities that we enjoy, relax, take vacations, call in to work occasionally because we just don't feel like going, etc.
But I also believe in personal responsibility, hard work, and giving some of your time (and occasionally, your hard earned money) to help those less fortunate than yourself.
I'm kinda losing my train of thought at the moment and I need to rest...so I'll just say 'to be continued' and follow this up soon with part 2. Disclaimer: I wrote this on the fly so forgive me if it's a little unorganized. And as I sign off, here's a couple of(in my opinion) very relevant quotes from "Mountains Beyond Mountains":
"The idea that some lives matter less is the root of all that's wrong with the world."
"The world is full of miserable places. One way of living comfortably is not to think about them or, when you do, to send money."
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